Complicated, but worth it
Hard things don’t disappear.
Easy things don’t remain.
Difficulty is a breeding ground for one of two things: growth, or brokenness.
Sometimes I step
outside of my own head and observe a woman who still feels like a girl, just trying to get things right. Trying to be “better than” she feels most of the time.
I look at that girl with kinder eyes, the older and wiser I somehow become. I see her all the way back when she was still moving faster inside her head than her words or limbs could attempt to keep up. Eager to see her echo in the eyes of others. Doing everything possible for the reflection to show love, not strained tolerance of her presence.
I spent most of my childhood becoming aware of how much space I seemed to be taking up, and by gauging the reactions of others, quickly realizing that I was gobbling up too much of it. I was loud, hyper, bouncy and bubbly. I’m sure it was cute for about 2 minutes, then it transferred into overstimulating.
I became adept at reading people. Being able to see into the layers and perceive well - what they may be feeling. It was a way I learned to understand the boundaries of someone else (even if they were never spoken aloud), and how my presence or personality clashed with them. Out of desire to be accommodating and bearable - I would then shift my tone, volume, behavior - and re-read the situation to see what “worked”. What caused the look or body language of “annoyed/tired”, to shift into “calm, accepting, relieved”. Being able to “fix” the tone of the interaction or room, made me feel accomplished. Made me feel safer to remain in the room where I wanted to be. After all, I always just wanted to be included - nearby. Never needing to be the focus of attention, just a participant in the space.
I understand the motivations of my younger self.
I possess more patience with her than I used to, when thinking back on her behavior.
Some days I find my way back to that tug of war. Of reading people and responding and readjusting.
Other times, more often now - I can sit in the realization that even if I am not palatable for someone else, that it doesn’t require a shift or change on my end. That it doesn’t even mean anything is wrong with either person. I can exist in the space I occupy, knowing God created it for me. Knowing He has put me where He wants me, and brought me others who will teach me and sharpen me. Some stay only a short time, others for longer seasons - and others who still haven’t left. Who have put down roots in this village we’ve built together.
We chose the influences we allow in our lives. We ebb and flow for better and worse and become whole, rounded individuals. We grow up and hopefully grow softer, not harder.
Relationships are complicated, but they are worth it. The right ones leave deeper impressions. The wrong ones teach us also, yet eventually can disappear into the sediment, giving way for the fertilized growth of new branches, new leaves, new blooms.
These days, I still strive for the wrong accolades sometimes. I will always be growing, this side of Heaven. I find that fact to be beautiful and kind and good. I will never have the posture of someone who believes she has it all figured out. Instead, I will sit, stand, leap, and love with humility. With the understanding that grace, empathy and compassion are the transformative powers of this life. That love truly can conquer all. That the person I see in the mirror, with the lines on her face and the knowing smile of a traveling soul, came from the eager little girl who just wanted to be seen. I will whisper to her that she has been regarded every day of her life; loved every moment of her existence, and not merely endured in this life, but truly cherished.
